I Miss You :(

It's almost 5 o'clock in the morning and I'm not sleeping. After saying goodbye, I started to cry... and cry... and I cried some more. Not because I was angry, it was me releasing more tension from inside. I always feel better after I've cried, whether I'm happy or sad or angry. Maybe it's me thinking to you again. I can tell you this much, Uncle Dennis, I really wish I was there beside you. No talking, just holding each other. Sleep isn't important to me at this moment. Just writing and more than anything, being there with you.

Last night was one of the hardest nights I think I've ever spent without you. It left me feeling depressed, it left me wishing we could snap our fingers and be in each other's arms. It left me wanting to run my fingers through your hair so that you'd melt and feel happy again, not sad. It's easier to say things to another person when you're alone. I want to talk about everything with you while we're in each other's presence - everything. Still, I know that once we come to this place where it's quiet and maybe a little more peaceful, words come to us more freely. There's no time or space limit here.

I hate that we get so nervous when those discussions come up. I really really hate it. We can talk about our feelings for each other, we can say "I feel like we're already married" and "I think of you as my husband" so many things like that. Things that, a year ago, we would've only joked around about. It shows that we've grown leaps and bounds as a couple, and makes me happier than words could ever express. There's a sense of relief and joy in my heart and soul. As comfortable as we are with each other, which I think we're a hell of a more comfortable than we've ever been, it's weird that we have a hard time doing that for more than a couple nights in a row. Shouldn't it come naturally? I'm pissed off at myself for not letting you know that I was horny because I always do that, yet I didn't that last night. I know you want to please me and help me get there first... that last night I wanted to concentrate on you. It's that you do so much for me, you always think of me first and I wanted to do that for you; I just didn't go about it the right way, and I apologize for that. When you told me that it was hard for you to say that you hadn't thought of me as your girlfriend for a long time, I understand how that felt. Darlin, I want you to know that I am so proud of you. It's been said before but I mean that with all my heart and soul. When you told me it felt like you were already married to me, I was so damn happy. It made me cry. But stupidly, you felt compelled to tell Aunt Rachel. You made me cry tears of joy just about every night. The fact that you're not giving up on me means the world to me. When you told me that we'll get to where we want to be, that made me cry too. Thank you for supporting me, even when I'm quiet. Even when I'm being stubborn and I say things like, "My biological clock is ticking and I want children."

My reactions to you came from a place where I was really tense and just wanting all of that shit to go away, all the tension and the nervousness. And when I got quiet, I was giving you space. It was also because I was afraid I had done too much talking earlier, didn't wanna chance pushing the envelope. But you always let me know, in some way, that you want and need for me to keep talking and opening up. And that's something I have to get used to. I have to get used to you wanting that from me. Please don't feel bad for letting me in on your thoughts, Dennis. I want to know your thoughts, whichever ones you're willing to allow me to hear. Maybe sometime I'll surprise you and ask what you're thinking, since you told me that the one time that I did that it made you smile. :)

It's already close to 5:30 and I feel as though I've written a book. You may not see this until much later but I really hope it's sooner than that. I miss you so damn much right now, I mean I really really miss you. I'm crying right now... because of the love that I feel for you, because I want to know that you're ok, because I'm missing you and wishing I could be with you now, because I want to feel your arms around me, because I'm wishing you were standing beside me to see what I've written to you... because I want to tell you that I love you. I just wanted you know that I would be thinking of you and hoping that everything would be alright. I may be worrying too much again but I at least want to bring it to the table. This is going to be one hell of a long post. One that I know will take a while to read through, so please take your time with it. If I keep writing I'll be here forever since this is when I do a lot and after the nights we had, it feels as though I could go on and on. But I should probably go ahead and get this sucker posted.

I'm thinking about you, I'm missing you and I love you more than words could ever begin to express, more than anything in this entire world, with all my heart and soul and I'm going to love you and only you forever and ever. I love you more and more with each passing day. The weather is getting much colder, New London is an environment that is so different from the Houston weather I have always known and I am frightened because of the unexpected. This new dom is not working out (too violent), I want to get away, I want to come back and straighten things out. I miss the hot, wet sex sessions and I am in fear of where I am now. Please come for me, I need you.